i should actually be sleeping but oh, boy, i’m thinking. i was actually reading, trying to get some sleep but it made it worse.

i ran into two quotations from mikhail bakhtin and they appear in the end of “demons” (dostoievski, 1872), which i finished 2 days ago and now i am reading the translator’s notes. mr. paulo bezerra cites bakhtin to describe the tone and technique used by dostoievski in this romance – he uses the first person as the voice for his narrator, because he had very histerical and personal motivations to write this story; he couldn’t help himself but get involved, get engaged – and then speak in first person.

and, about that, mr. bezerra says: “this eagerness for representing the facts, giving the awe and the anger with which Dostoyevsky received them, could lead to loss of critical perspective.”

and the reason why i am talking this bullshit is because i am dealing with the same aesthetic dilemma: trying not to get involved with the story i am trying to tell, so i won’t screw the very story. but it is so hard, SO HARD. how can i not get angry, not get involved? how can i keep cool so i won’t lose my critical perspective?

then later on his text, mr. bezerra talks about bakhtin, whose concepts on authorship are very interesting (totally unhelpfull for me on the daily photographic craft, since i am very distracted, but still, beautiful). so: there is the “primary author”, which is the real figure, who creates the work but remains out of it; and there is the “secondary author”, which is the one who integrates the work and from within it, is responsible for its narrative’s construction. wow!

i fell i am kinda like a feminist secondary author with insomnia.

i will go back to my reading. i hope on the next days i find a path and a balance to this inabillity of being unparteiisch, because i am photographing girls whose stories don’t reflect and remind only of my own – that i have to keep in mind and be careful. but yeah, it is hard…

today, no pictures. cat power says it better.